remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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