I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
