the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my shit smells like andre
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
