shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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