this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize