I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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