So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
