your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
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And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
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I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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