dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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