I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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