I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Randomize
