I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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