i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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