it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
