Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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