We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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