You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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