I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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