Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
