I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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