yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
