Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
