I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You took a bar mat shot.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time