I faked an abortion last night.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.