My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
