This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Did I show you my penis last night?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
