Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My hand turned me down
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
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We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
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There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
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