Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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