The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Is her dick bigger than yours?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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