Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
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He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
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found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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