yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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