I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
