im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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