DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
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Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
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YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.