Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck