Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
home. puking in laundry basket.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
where are my pants?
in the oven.