my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
farters have to be the big spoon...
zippers are such a cool invention
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...