I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
