mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
