Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
