i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This is the high leading the old right now
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
