I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
