the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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