Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
