in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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