Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Randomize
