Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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