i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
