How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
