i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
