This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Dicks are not precious.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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