My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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