"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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