did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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