The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
