I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
