God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
