we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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