I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
