Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
